Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.