Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

This fish is cracking me up

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…