Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
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[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.