Safe words are for quitters.

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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently


[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen


My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we’re clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.


I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.


interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero


Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list


Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.



Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot


My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.