Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Safe words are for quitters.
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we’re clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.