Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs