Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Seems legit.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

i think we should see other cousins

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.