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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch