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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
A bold strategy
Cold.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.