Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
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“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house