Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
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Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what