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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude