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“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).