Safety first
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I’m not alone. I have ants.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
This is my brand.
