Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

No one can handle that

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.