Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.