Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Stop sending me this shit.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
