Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
