Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
sugar glider wrangler
