Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.