Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

me irl

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.