safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂