Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed.

Btw, I love what you’ve done with the place.

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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan


“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff


me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol


me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes


To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.


We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter


ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants


I’m gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit


I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.


[baby is bouncing in swing seat]

I wish I had one of those.

They bring great joy.

I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.


“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”


“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.