Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

*exercises sarcastically*

Salad is the decaf of food.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!