Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes