Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
You Might Also Like
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I cannot stop laughing at this
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
three things we don’t talk about
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.