Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
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My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
cause of death:
autopsy.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint