Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
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my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Monday Lisa
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.