said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
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Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
What a chick magnet..
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.