Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards