Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.
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The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time