“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I have obtained a hat
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*puts cutlery down*
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.