“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Bear
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.