If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future