Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

The internet is full of many things

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.