Said the murderer.
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
This is what makes twitter great
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Ain’t no way
“How’s your day going?”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*