Said the murderer.
You Might Also Like
I put the p in pants.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Every time my phone rings
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Herpes is trending, good job people