Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I’m putting together a team
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
when nothing goes right… go left
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*