Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Winnipeg!!
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…