Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Worth remembering.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”