Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.