Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

Current mood: Potato

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy