Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

FINE, I WON’T.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME