#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
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I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
opening a flower shop called women in stem
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5