Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!