Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?