Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
So that’s what we looked like?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in