sailors wish they could swear like me
You Might Also Like
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Me :
All Day At Night
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom