sailors wish they could swear like me
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I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.