sailors wish they could swear like me
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in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.