*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
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pat pat
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
You can’t rush stupid.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside