*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.