Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

We decided to have money instead of children.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?