Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

Best table by far

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

🙄😏😂🤣

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.