Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Breaking news:
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.