Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
When you put it that way… 😂
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
