Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
You Might Also Like
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Trying
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip