Saint West, the patron of selfies
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.