Saint West, the patron of selfies
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
How many? 🤔
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
wut hotdog?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day