Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.