Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Happens to everyone.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.