Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
adam and eve had first world problems
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down