Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.