Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
You Might Also Like
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.