Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.