Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”