Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good