Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
step 6: release the wall snake
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.