Salad is the decaf of food.
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.