[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
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“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
14: Wanna play a game?
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Me: I was arrested for drunk driving.
Me: Kidding! I failed my history test.
Mom: Whew. Ok.
*2 mins later*
Mom:Failed a test??
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I put the ‘c**k’ in ‘puts c**k in anything’.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me