Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
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It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo