@roxiqt

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

@AngryRaccoon2

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

@notthat_1

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

@JustDontBugMe

Me: I was arrested for drunk driving.
Mom: *faints*
Me: Kidding! I failed my history test.
Mom: Whew. Ok.
*2 mins later*
Mom:Failed a test??

@ArfMeasures

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

@iscoff

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

@Darlainky

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

@chuuew

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me