Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP