Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

Britain be like

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.