Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
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Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Good dog. ❤️
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
i can’t wait that long
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?